Mom sent me an SMS today, she reminds me that tomorrow is my dad’s death anniversary. Mom and some relatives are going to go to the sea and throw some flowers on the water. I am not sure on what I would do tomorrow, probably I would do nothing and just treat tomorrow as another day, any attempt of remembering the old days will be just too sad. It’s funny when I think about it, when he was alive, mom always reminded me of his birthday and now she reminds me of his death.

Truth is, I don’t know what to do, there’s nothing that I can do that will affect our relationship now, I can think about him, but what good that will bring? It will be just make me sad. I can just try not to think about him at all which I was doing the first few months, but part of me I am afraid that if I do so, I might forget him. I want to remember how he looks like, how he sounds and how he relates to me.

I am always amazed at how time seems to fly, it felt like it wasn’t that long ago when I talked to him. There were days that I just miss him so much, miss those awkard phone conversations, miss his thick Javanese accent. And at times when I am alone with Jet, I remember him somehow, wondering what did he do with me when I was a baby, did he spend time with me much, did he adore me as I adore my son, did he teach me how to walk. And sometimes I just can’t help imagining if he is still alive, how happy he’d be playing with Jet, he’d be asking me about my work whether my salary is enough to feed the family, he’d be asking about my uni and probably we’d be having conversations about buying a house. I’d probably take him for holidaying somewhere too.

I don’t know when I will be fully come to terms with his departure, I read in a book that it may take years. I do hope one day, when I remember him I would be smiling rather than crying.

I haven’t re-read my blog post on my father’s death. I just don’t want to remember that day when I got the news. By far it was the worst day of my life.

I wonder how mom is coping. She seems to be extremely busy lately, maybe by busying herself she doesn’t have to think about dad too much too. There will be other deaths in my life,.. I hope I can handle them better. Man, death sucks big time.